Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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