i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Green mimosas i think yes
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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