i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
