he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
