Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
