her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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