Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
