How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
