I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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