You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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