I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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