I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
