I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
