You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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