I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
