Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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