five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
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I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
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On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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