Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
