The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
