If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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