The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
