I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
