how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
