Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
