I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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