No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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