Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
