why didn't you poke me back
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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