wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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