I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
