last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
