i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
