you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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