i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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