Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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