i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
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I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
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I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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