yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
