My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
