Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Randomize
