Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
