The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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