Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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