this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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