mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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