I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
