woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize