i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
