I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
