did you get engaged???
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
a search helicopter?!
Are my feet made of real feet?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
