how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I can feel your judgement through the phone
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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