I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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