my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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