She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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