I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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