Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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