I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
