there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
