She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
