His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Vodka?
Forever.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
